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January 30th 2019

Finding Yourself

January 30th 2019

Finding Yourself

 

Who’s been putting “Brand New Me” on the top of your new year resolutions? Or nobody does resolutions anymore?

I did it all the time. I used to wish that I would be someone else, someone “better” on the new year; better at making friends, better at speaking in front of the crowd, better at taking care of my appearance, better at being a good kid for my parents, and another million “better” scenarios in my head. I wished that once the clock striked 12, I would magically be all of those betters. Or at least, I would become that one friend at class that everybody liked. One that, in my 9 years old mind, had a perfect little life.

I think it’s a good thing to explore yourself and try out the possibilities. But it will be quite an issue if it comes from a jealousy or envy or anger, just like my 9 years old self did. Brand new me doesn’t mean you dismiss your old self and wake up with a completely different personalities. I always know that I was super shy, but I wanted to be friends with everyone. I was thinking that if I was easy going, I might get a chance. But what I did was copying my friend so everyone else liked me. And the outcome wasn’t as favorable as I might like. I needed another 15 years for trial and errors, and every single year the top list was always the same: brand new me.

There was only one mistake I did in my 15 years journey of finding myself: I never listened to myself. I listened to my mom, I listened to my dad, I listened to my friends, I listened to the boy I had crush on, I listened to the teachers, I listened to everyone but myself. I never gave myself time to process all the changes I made over the year. I never asked myself whether I wanted to do it or not, whether I was comfortable about it or not. I used to think that everyone else knew better than me, so I just needed to do as they say. But nothing during that 15 years gave me the satisfaction of becoming a person I dreamt about. I was lost in the maze that I created myself. Until I finally asked to myself: what do you truly need?

It’s not easy to believe your own self when everyone else has a lot to say about you. It’s not easy to stop our obsessive side over the idea of a perfect life. It takes courage to admit who you really are, the good, the bad and everything in between. I guess my revelation was to finally accept that I didn’t have to change myself for everyone to like me. It’s okay to be me, with a little improvement here and there. Improvement, not replacement. It’s okay if the parents, friends, your crush, the teachers questioned you at first. With a lot of patience, late night chit chat, 2 hours phone calls, ugly cry confession and ice cream dates, they who truly care will come along eventually. Repeat after me: it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay. Take a deep breath and exhale all of your worries.

Now, what’s on the top of your new year resolution? Mine is “To be Content with Myself”.

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